@TheTweetOfGod
@HushJared Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
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@HushJared 
@dougbies Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
@juneohara65 I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
@That_Damn_Duck #If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
@cepheusjackson ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
@ArfMeasures HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
@SteveKoehler22 Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
@Kyle_Lippert Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
@TheAlexNevil The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
@MrsTomServo Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.