Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
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Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶