Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
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I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount