jesus, what did this guy do
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If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?