Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.