Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
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GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.