jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
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If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I had to Stop for this
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.