Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
You Might Also Like
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Follow me for more recipes
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.