[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
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The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.