Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
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Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.