Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
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one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
don’t we all
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter