Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
You Might Also Like
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Not😆🤣
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭