So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
J: What’s that awful thing called…
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
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I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: I’m thinking.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.