Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
You Might Also Like
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.