Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
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Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
No regrets in 2018
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Why font matters.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection