Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
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I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Oh, I bet you would be
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me