Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
You Might Also Like
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?