*jingles half the way*
You Might Also Like
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
and now we wait
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.