Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
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– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
#gardening
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.