JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
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After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail