Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
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According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Yes
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural