Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
You Might Also Like
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed