[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
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My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
not to brag, but mine was free
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
If I ignore life will it go away?
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”