[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
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ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.