*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
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I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
there has never been a better use of this meme
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.