[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
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if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
OKAY DAD
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing