[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
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If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
no!! no!!!!!!
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.