[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
You Might Also Like
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
X-tra spooky blend
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.