[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
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Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.