*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
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Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.