[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
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my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
🤣🤣🤣
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
[loses house key, starts a new life]
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”