[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
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[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
mumsnet is amazing
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.