[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
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*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Life hack
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.