[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
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KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
bought wrong eggs
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Yup….perfect score!
I can also cook 😂
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.