[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
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Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”