[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
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I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I have never related to anyone more.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”