[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
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*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.