job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
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I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.