JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
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I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Pretty certain I can more drunk
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
describing stardew valley
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.