JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
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I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Jupiter
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
The Birdles
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
🍛
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit