Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
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I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Yes, this is exactly right
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?