@tazsme Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
@tastefactory JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
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@tazsme 
@omically [dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
@alesiavsworld Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
@sucittaM Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
@FormerHumorist I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
@TheWoodenslurpy One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
@PhilJamesson Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
@DanMentos [first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
@LoveNLunchmeat Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
@JustMeNina76 Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
