@click4amanda HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
@tastefactory JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
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@click4amanda 
@UnFitz For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
@brianbowman73 Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
@NurseMurderer Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
@ch000ch i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
@junejuly12 [First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
@clichedout WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
@whatmaddness [inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
@nevernicethings Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
@dafloydsta [at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there