JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
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interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.