@tastefactory

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

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@click4amanda

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

@UnFitz

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

@brianbowman73

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

@NurseMurderer

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

@ch000ch

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

@junejuly12

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

@clichedout

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

@whatmaddness

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

@nevernicethings

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

@dafloydsta

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there