@tastefactory

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

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@tazsme

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

@omically

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

@alesiavsworld

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

@sucittaM

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

@FormerHumorist

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

@TheWoodenslurpy

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

@PhilJamesson

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

@DanMentos

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

@LoveNLunchmeat

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.