job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
You Might Also Like
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
If you breakdance you buy dance.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.