Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
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My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
God, I love Scotland
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.