[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
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Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Is this a threat?
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.