[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
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Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out