[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
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As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen