[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
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It do be feeling this way.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉