[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
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BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.