[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
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*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Them: Just act casual
Me:
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I finally found a reason to live again.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Ron is short for Aaronald
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.