[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
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Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
#titanic
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
pizza
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*